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My school trip（91字）
It was sunny last Sunday . My school went to climb the mountain.The trip was really interesting.
We went there by bus. The mountain was very beautiful . It took us about two hours to the top. On the top of the mountain , we were very excited and happy . We saw lots of tall trees and clouds. And the air was clean. We took a great many photos there . In the end, we bought some gifts in the shop .
All in all , it was an exciting day. We were very tired but happy !
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2025-04-02 15:43:33 发布
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评分标准：满分100分，其中内容40分，语言30分，结构20分，卷面10分。**评分：**
**总分：85分**
- **内容：35/40分**
作文完整记录了学校登山旅行的过程，包括天气、交通、登山体验、山顶活动及感受，内容充实且紧扣主题。但细节描写可以更丰富，例如对登山途中的具体见闻（如同学互动、自然景观的细节）稍显简略，可加入更多感官描写（如声音、气味）增强画面感。
- **语言：25/30分**
语言流畅，句式简单但准确，符合初一水平。优点在于使用了恰当的形容词（如"beautiful, clean, exciting"）和短语（如"took a great many photos"）。不足之处在于词汇和句型较基础，可尝试加入少量复合句（如"Although we were tired, we felt happy because..."）或高级词汇（如"breathtaking view"代替"beautiful"）提升表现力。
- **结构：18/20分**
段落分明，按时间顺序叙述，逻辑清晰。首尾呼应（"interesting"与"exciting"呼应），结尾总结得当。建议在段落间增加过渡句（如"After reaching the top, we were amazed by..."）使衔接更自然。
- **卷面：7/10分**
假设无涂改、字迹工整，但标点使用稍单一（逗号为主），可适当使用感叹号、分号等增强语气。
**点评：**
1. **值得鼓励之处：**
- 主题明确，情感真实，结尾的总结句简洁有力。
- 动词短语运用准确（如"took photos, bought gifts"），体现语言基本功扎实。
2. **改进建议：**
- **丰富细节描写**：例如描写登山时的困难（如"Some classmates helped each other when the path became steep."）或山顶的壮丽景色（如"The clouds looked like cotton candy floating around us."）。
- **提升语言层次**：替换重复词汇（如用"exhilarating"补充"exciting"），尝试1-2句复合句。
- **优化段落衔接**：第二段开头可加入"Upon arriving at the mountain, we were greeted by..."增强连贯性。
**范文参考（改进片段）：**
"As we climbed higher, the air grew fresher, and the chirping of birds accompanied our steps. When we finally reached the top, a breathtaking view unfolded before us—endless green forests under the blue sky, and clouds so close that we almost felt we could touch them..."
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